It stains our lips
like a glass of red wine. Sticky,
sweet, pour it out. Look hard
at the empty
bottles, the full glasses.
We all drink, the taste
thaws frozen, foreign,
fucked feelings. Intoxication we lose
focus and fantasy's free.
She sucks
dick, loose lips lose,
our memories fade. Under water
for the first time.
Make friends with the fish,
living foolish, frightened,
frigid in this delusion. Grey,
wet, and muddy. I struggle
grasp one last breath, water fills my lungs.
Look hard, bottles now broken,
glasses empty. We shed
our skin and lose
our stomach. Gushing
grey and wet. I find you muddy
Fucked.
Sad.
Silly.
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I was thinking to cut it at Under water for the first time and to make them two seperate poems, but I am not sure if either of them strong enough on their own and for that matter if it is even strong together. Any thoughts?
ReplyDeletegyounes@mail.unomaha.edu
ReplyDeletesorry, in case some one wants to email you.
If it were me I would split the poem into two, but neither is quite ready to stand on it's own. The first is much closer though. I really do love this line:
"She sucks
dick, loose lips lose"
I would lose the comma though.
She sucks | She sucks
dick loose - lips lose | dick - loose lips lose
just an opinion though man. I do like the piece a lot
Also really like...
"We all drink, the taste
thaws frozen, foreign,
fucked feelings."
sounds fantastic when spoken aloud.
and when read on paper
ReplyDeleteYeah I agree, but I do not think either is strong enough. Also, do you think it should be loose lips lose grips or loose lips, loose grips
ReplyDeleteAnd i want to change loose lips lose grips
ReplyDeletebecause there is a song that goes ....i suck dick lose grip on gravity..... the similarity ends there. here is the actual lyrics
Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah I suck dick
Lose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children’s things a young mother’s love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water,
But I’m just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave
leading to my Schizophrenic father.
Weeping willow won’t you wallow louder
Searching for my father’s power
to similar? I was listening to my i pod on shuffle and heard this song and realized how close they sound.
right before the grips line might be a good place to cut the poem, and begin drafting from there. It's your call if they are too similar. Ask yourself what the line adds to the poem, and whether it is worth it.
ReplyDeleteI think ill cut out the grips and just make it
ReplyDeletelose lips lose
our memories fade
the cutting would be goo after that, but the poem is about a drunk dream or delusion and that is like the fourth stanza then the last stanza is coming back to reality... that is why i am conflicted
include two more stanzas about delusion and coming back to reality, just take them a different direction. diff. language.
ReplyDeletei do like fucked.sad.silly.
ReplyDeletei was thinking about changing that to
ReplyDeleteFucked silly.